Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
the gays at disneyland are vicious
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Randomize
