It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Randomize
