I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
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