I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
How would you go about getting a hold of the country star that you slept with and are now potentially pregnant with their baby...?
myspace Music?
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
