I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
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