my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
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