this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
