she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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