He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
