eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Randomize
