I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
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