Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
