Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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