my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
