I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
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