your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
