i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
