so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Randomize
