i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
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