I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
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