booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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