ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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