i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
