where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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