i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
