Where did you get a picture of my penis
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
