I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Randomize
