life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
