the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
