I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
did i just pee glitter
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
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