She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
