Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
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