i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
It all started with a game of naked twister.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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