We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
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