If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
