remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Randomize
