Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Randomize
