I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
