1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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