my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
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