It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Randomize
