I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
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