How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
We named our party play list daddy issues
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
as a side note pls kill me
I think I just shit out all my problems.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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