Whatcha textin bout Willis?
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
