I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
