why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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