Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
