It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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