Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Green mimosas i think yes
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
