I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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