I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
