We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Randomize
