i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
