What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Myspace is for pedophiles and tweakers in the 818 trying to hook up. I always forget theres music there too
even my farts smell like vagina
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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