Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Randomize