im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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