man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
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