someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
