Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
